The Contortionist's Pussyfoot
by She's a Star
Summary: Lucius Malfoy, as we all know, is capable of some downright evil deeds. But no one ever expected...this. Includes a horrified Narcissa, a rather rowdy Dumbledore, and a Dark Lord who just wants his mummy.


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The Contortionist's Pussyfoot

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by She's a Star and Rachel!

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Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. The Contortionist's Pussyfoot, however, is _ours_.

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Warning: This is not for the faint of heart, and is a _very_ frightening and psychologically disturbing read. If you choose to proceed, do so with extreme caution.

Thank you.

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Lucius Malfoy was a most sinister and chillingly evil, albeit charming, man; this was common knowledge to all who came across him. There were few areas pertaining to the Dark Arts in which he lacked a vast array of knowledge, and there were many less-than-saintly deeds that certainly couldn't be put past him. Deeds like putting diaries containing the memories of seriously wacked and quite evil dark wizards into the schoolbooks of innocent little girls! Deeds like throwing poor, mistreated house elves down steps! (Surely Hermione Granger would have something to say about this.) Deeds like starting brawls in Flourish and Blotts in the middle of a Gilderoy Lockhart book signing! (The narrator must ask the reader to consider this the most awful of all deeds, as there was, in this situation, a chance that the ravishing Mr. Magical Me himself could have been harmed.)

But no one, _no one_, could have possibly expected..._this_.

This was simply too much to bear.

Narcissa Malfoy had suspected it for quite sometime, but she had hoped against it with all the strength her soul possessed. She knew that her husband was corrupted, heartless, infatuated with the silken allure of evil. But never...never had she thought that he would turn to something so utterly diabolical.

And so she simply watched him for a moment in silent horror after swinging open the door to find him. He was unaware of her presence, and continued the heinous act with a fervor that made it quite apparent that he was enjoying himself far too much.

Witnessing such a sinful deed was so mind-blowingly horrifying that it brought back her ability of coherent speech in a rush, and words began to spill out of her mouth.

"Lucius! I...you...you're...how could you, Lucius?!" she cried, tears forming in her cold eyes as he looked up at her. "I don't know why I didn't expect it before! You're terrible! You're...I just can't believe...think of how this will disgrace the Malfoy name!"

He simply fixed her with an icy glare and proceeded with his wicked actions.

"Think of _Draco_!" Narcissa continued, throwing her arms in the air in exasperation. "Think of how he would react if he ever _caught_ you, Lucius! Think of the millions of galleons of psychiatric therapy he'll need!"

Her words had no effect - they seemed to be drowned out by the savage intensity of the dreadful noises puncturing the otherwise silent air.

"Lucius, _stop_!" she begged, tears now streaming down her cheeks. "Don't we mean _anything_ to you, Lucius? What about your _family_?! Draco could just walk in at any second-"

And, quite inconveniently, walk in Draco did.

Immediately, his icy eyes bulged to twice their normal size as his mouth dropped open in horror.

"_Dad!!!_" he cried out, aghast. "What the _hell_ are you doing?"

"Watch and learn, son," Lucius replied with his signature sneer before returning to his performance with even more ardency, as though really set on how to show his son how it was done.

Draco looked even more repulsed. "I'm not learning anything like _that_!!"

"Why ever not, Draco?" asked Lucius nonchalantly. "Surely you know that this is a...custom, let's call it, that has been passed down through the Malfoy family for ages?"

Draco simply stared in horror before exploding into a rather frenzied statement.

"Dad, I'm supposed to get the Dark Mark today and be accepted into the Death Eaters! The Dark Lord will be here any minute to perform the enchantment! What if he catches you doing..._this_?" 

From where she lay in a crumpled heap on the floor, Narcissa let out a sob. Lucius simply smirked at her and got back to his dirty work.

"Then by all means, let him," Lucius said. "There are some things that even Lord Voldemort can't deprive a man of."

"But he's going to Apparate here any _minute_!" Draco howled in protest.

And, quite inconveniently, Apparate here Voldemort did.

Immediately, his glowing red eyes flickered for a moment before the Dark Lord covered them with his hands, crying out in a most distraught manner, "_Malfoy_! What are you doing?! I'll have to perform the Cruciatus Curse on you for this!!!"

"For _what_?" Lucius asked defensively. "Responding to my natural urges?"

"If you have urges like..._that_, then _certainly_!" Voldemort yelled. "Hell, I might even have to Avada Kedavra you for this!!!"

"Then I will spend my last moments being greatly pleasured, my Lord."

"Malfoy, quit this foolishness!" cried Voldemort, daring to peek out from between his fingers and then yelping in horror. "I have reason to believe that the Ministry has found out about this, and Mad Eye Moody's Auror squad could burst in at any moment! We _must_ get this over with!"

And, quite inconveniently, burst in Mad Eye Moody's Auror squad did.

"Aaah!" cried one of the younger Aurors, who happened to be on his first mission and had now collapsed to the floor in a dead faint.

Mad Eye Moody's rather disfigured face contorted into an expression of sheer disgust.

"Lucius Malfoy," he sneered. "As you well know, I'm a suspicious man, but not even _I_ would have suspected that you....you..."

"Oh come off it, Moody!" snapped Lucius. "As if you don't do the same!"

"_Excuse_ me!" cried Moody, rather affronted. "I would _never_-"

"Oh, yes," said Lucius, eyes coldly studying him. "In all those Auror expeditions and such, I suppose you could have lost some...necessary equipment?"

"That's _none_ of your business!" barked Moody. "Now, Lucius, we're going to have to put you in Azkaban for this!"

Lucius, however, didn't even seem to hear this - he instead let out an ecstatic cry and continued his release of pent-up frustration and hostility.

"Quick," Moody muttered to the others, "Someone alert Albus Dumbledore. He's going to be needed in this situation." He glanced at Draco, Narcissa, and Voldemort, who were all staring at Lucius in numbed horror, and added, "Get the family members something to calm them down. Let's ship the third one off to Azkaban, shall we?"

"Sir, I'm not sure that the family members _can _be calmed down," another Auror responded tentatively. "They may have to be locked up in St. Mungo's after witnessing this."

"I fear that might be the case," growled Moody, "But there might be hope for them. Now, someone go to summon Dumbledore. Though knowing him, I wouldn't be surprised if he had already sensed a great disturbance in the wizarding world and is already on his way over here. Just watch - he'll appear out of that fireplace in the corner in no time."

And, quite fortunately (as everyone knows that Dumbledore can always save the day), appear out of that fireplace in the corner Albus Dumbledore did.

This seemed to bring Narcissa out of her stupor.

"Oh, Dumbledore!" she cried, rushing over to him and falling to his feet. "Please!" she begged. "Please, please stop him! I'm sorry for hosting all those 'Support The Death Eaters' bake sales and yodeling conventions! I'll never do anything bad again as long as I live! I...I'll do anything! I'll even give up reading Witch Weekly!" She looked a bit shaken at this, but continued with determination. "Just _please, _Dumbledore!"

Dumbledore smiled kindly and said, "I assure you, Mrs. Malfoy, I'll be able to help your husband."

"But..." she said weakly, tears shining in her eyes, "Is there a way to help him?"

"Of course," Dumbledore responded merrily. "Observe."

He started to walk toward Lucius, and everyone watched with bated breath, wondering what he was going to do. Surely Dumbledore could save them all from this horrible fate! He was, after all, the greatest sorcerer of all time. 

"What if he can't stop him?" Draco whispered, terrified, to Narcissa.

"Of course he can," Narcissa whispered back, though fear shone in her eyes as well. "He's _Dumbledore_!"

And so they all waited, tension building in the air along with Lucius's rapid breathing, as Dumbledore continued to walk towards the horrifying scene; he froze dangerously close to Lucius and...

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to remove this," he said cheerfully, beginning to remove his midnight blue cloak. "It's _impossible_ to perform in a satisfactory manner with all this dead weight along with me!"

And, with a bit of a spring to his step, he moseyed on over to Lucius and joined right in.

"Now you've done it!" Moody yelled furiously; his fake eye was rolling violently in its socket. "You've....you've _ruined_ Dumbledore!"

"I can't watch!" Draco cried, burying his head in his hands. The sight of the wise and semi-respectable headmaster of Hogwarts participating in such a downright heinous task was enough to drive one insane.

"Only one person can save the day now," Moody announced gravely.

"Who?" Narcissa asked desperately.

"Harry Potter."

"But he's only a boy!" protested Narcissa. "Only seventeen! He's the savior of our wizarding world! Sure, he's defeated that ugly git-" she pointed at Voldemort, "-numerous times-"

"Hey!" cried Voldemort indignantly, but seemed so shocked by Lucius and Dumbledore's terrifying actions that he didn't kill her on the spot.

"-But do you really think that Harry can stop..._this_?"  
"We may as well give it a shot," said Draco hopefully; he was even willing to seek help from his mortal enemy, as long as it would stop...this.

They all glanced sadly at a moment at Lucius and Dumbledore, who had now opted to perform together rather than going solo.

"My eyes!" cried Draco. "My eyes!"

He then attempted to gouge out his own eyes, but Narcissa felt inclined to stop him despite the relief that it would no doubt bring him, and that it would save him from encountering this abominable thing any longer.

"Quick! Someone go get Harry Potter!" ordered Moody, looking _extremely_ disturbed as he tried to look anywhere that wasn't at Dumbledore and Lucius, who were now moving in time to the same pulsating rhythm.

"You're rather good at this, Lucius!" commented Dumbledore merrily. "It's quite inspiring, just doing this around you - it makes me strive to improve my own performance, I dare say."

"It runs in the family," Lucius replied after another sigh of pleasure. "Just watch - maybe you'll be able to do this with Draco someday!"  
"Now, now, Lucius, he's too young, I must say - probably too lively for me to handle!"

"Don't underestimate yourself, Albus old boy! _Anyone_ can do it, it just takes a bit of practice!"

"Yes, well, I'm afraid I'm a bit rusty," Dumbledore said, rather sadly. "I've asked Professor Snape _countless_ times to take a whack at it with me, but he always refuses."

"Far too serious, that one," Lucius said, sounding a bit sympathetic. "I doubt he's ever done this in his life!"

"That _could_ explain his exceptionally bitter attitude," Dumbledore said, nodding.

"Do tell me, Albus, are you familiar with the Contortionist's Pussyfoot?"

"Yes, actually! I was quite good at it, back in my time - just ask Minerva McGonagall! _She's_ got quite a talent for this as well, though one wouldn't expect it!"

At this, Draco let out a strange sort of squawk before repeatedly beginning to smash his head against the floor.

"You don't say!" Lucius said in surprise. "We should ask her to join us sometime!"

"Now, that would be a most exhilarating experience," Dumbledore proclaimed. "So, Lucius, dare we attempt the Contortionist's Pussyfoot?"

"Of course!" Lucius said before adding, rather roguishly, "I do like to live..._dangerously._"

"It _does_ have some unpleasant side effects if not performed with dazzling accuracy," Dumbledore said. "I do remember the last time Minerva and I did this, neither of us could walk for days!"

Meanwhile, everyone had surrounded Voldemort, begging him to kill them so they wouldn't have to witness this dreadful scene any longer. Voldemort, however, was now shaking back and forth muttering something about how he wanted his mummy and his fluffy pink bunny slippers, and therefore simply wasn't fit to perform any Unforgivable Curses.

"Ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be, Albus old boy!"

"On the count of three, then!"

"One!"

"Two!"

"_Three_!"

All the tortured innocent bystanders had covered their eyes at this, not wanting to see anymore, but judging by the delighted, albeit a bit strangled, yell from Dumbledore and joyous cry of, "Now _that's_ how it's done, old boy! Never would have known you had it in you!" from Lucius, they suspected that it was as they all feared: the Contortionist's Pussyfoot had been performed perfectly.

Unable to take it anymore, Draco fell, sprawled awkwardly across the floor. His steel gray eyes had glassed over, and his tongue hung out of the side of his mouth.

"Draco!" cried Narcissa, immediately rushing to her son's side.

"Mum..." he said weakly, his voice barely audible. "Mum...I'm not going to be able...to make it..."

Her eyes welled up with tears. "Don't talk like that, darling! You'll be just fine!"

"No...Mum," he rasped. "Just...get out of here...get them to stop...get...Harry Potter..."

Narcissa burst into sobs as Draco's eyes slowly fluttered shut. 

"My poor, poor baby Draco," she sniffled. "My poor baby...so young; he had such a future ahead of him! And he's dead! DEAD! All because of..." Her eyes narrowed dangerously as her gaze shifted toward Lucius and Dumbledore, who were currently building up to the obvious climax of the performance. 

Donning a deadly glare, she finished in a deadly hiss, "_You_."

Shaking with grief-driven fury, she rose slowly from the floor and began to make her way toward them.

"Narcissa, _no_!" cried Moody. 

"Don't do it, Narcissa!" called out another Auror.

"I want my mummy!" yelped Voldemort.

Ignoring their words of warning (and the fact that the most feared dark wizard in all the history of the world wanted his mummy), Narcissa continued walking, her anger bubbling up inside her.

And then-

"D'you think it's Voldemort?" a very familiar voice asked anxiously. 

"It must be," another voice said, a bit worriedly. "Why else would you be summoned here?"

"There he is!" cried a third voice, this one female.

And the infamous trio - Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and naturally the great Harry Potter, glanced in unison at Voldemort.

"...He looks a bit mental," Ron declared.

"Meep!" replied Voldemort, staring straight forward as he absently began to suck his thumb.

"Potter!" cried Moody, sounding vastly relieved. "We never thought you'd get here! You have to stop them!"

"Who?" Harry asked.

With one trembling finger, Moody pointed in the direction of Lucius and Dumbledore, who were now letting out alternating whoops.

"Uuuuuuuhhhhhgggg!" cried Ron, looking utterly repulsed (and not unlike the time he'd spewn up slugs in his second year). "That's _disgusting_!"

"Oh, come off it, Ron!" snapped Hermione, sounding rather annoyed. "You're _so_ narrow-minded! It's about time you tried something new!"  
And with that, she pulled a very frightened looking Ron over near Dumbledore and Lucius and began mirroring their actions. Though Ron was a bit reluctant at first, he was grinning from ear to ear in no time.

"Hermione?" he asked, a bit red-faced from the effort he was putting forth, "Can you force me to try new things more often?"

"Oh, this isn't even half of it!" she responded. "There's a _variety_ of these sorts of things out there, I've read _all_ about them!"

Moody, Narcissa, and the Auror squad were now all watching in downright terror.

"They're brainwashing the youngins now!" cried Moody. "This has to be _stopped_!"

They all looked at Harry expectantly, who stared, quite innocently, back.

"Why?" Harry inquired blankly.

Moody was taken aback. "Because...because..." he sputtered. "Well...just _look_ at them!!!"

"It's not all that bad," Harry said. "Well, not normally, anyway. Though I did walk in on my aunt and uncle doing it a few summers ago, and it was quite disgusting. I reckon that's just because Uncle Vernon's so fat, though." He pulled a face. "I'd _hate_ to see Dudley doing it."

"Why were your aunt and uncle _doing_ such a thing?" demanded Narcissa. 

Harry shrugged. "They were going to some sort of party."

At this, they all exchanged looks of disgust.

"You see why I hate Muggles?!" asked Voldemort. "I mean, surely you can't blame me for wanting to get rid of them when they act that grotesquely...and in _groups_, no less!"

"I really don't see why it's so bad," Harry said irritably. 

"But Potter, those are your two _best friends_ out there!" cried Moody. "Surely it bugs you to see them....doing _that_! In broad daylight! Not even being courteous enough to do it in private or anything!" 

Harry, however, didn't look the slightest bit perturbed.

"It's _about_ time," he replied. "I mean, they've been _wanting_ to do that since fourth year! If Krum hadn't complicated everything and things hadn't exploded after the Yule Ball, I reckon they would have!"

"But they...they're _children_!" Narcissa cried, aghast.

Meanwhile, the two 'children' were attempting bravely at it, though quite sloppily compared to Lucius and Dumbledore's polished performance - though this, of course, was to be expected. Ron and Hermione were, after all, beginners, while Lucius and Dumbledore were grown men and had been doing this for a long, long time.

"Ouch!" Hermione cried. "Ron, your wand just jabbed me! You're supposed to turn _this_ way!"

"Sorry, sorry," Ron said sheepishly.

Harry chuckled at this, and the bystanders all studied him with a mixture of anger and disbelief.

"Is this..._common_ in the Muggle world?" demanded Moody.

Harry nodded. "Oh, yeah. You can get lessons and everything."

"_Lessons_?!" repeated Narcissa in horror.

"We'd be best off just killing 'em," Voldemort said, still appearing rather dazed. "Just killing 'em all..."

Meanwhile, Dumbledore and Lucius' simultaneous movements were growing slower and slower before they came to a stop, bodies glistening with sweat as they panted unevenly. Ron and Hermione, on the other hand, continued to move exuberantly, letting out little grunts and giggles; it was obvious that they would keep on going for quite sometime. 

A stunned silence filled the room now that the two mens' vulgar acts had come to an end.

Dumbledore and Lucius eyed the crowd expectantly as the awkward silence continued, seemingly waiting for some sort of..._positive_ reaction.

Finally, Harry began to clap, a smile appearing on his face. The others looked at him in sheer bewilderment, obviously thinking him to be purely insane.

"Wow, Professor Dumbledore!" Harry said, making his way over toward the Hogwarts headmaster and Mr. Malfoy. "That was amazing! My aunt and uncle aren't _nearly_ as good!"

"Thank you, Harry," said Dumbledore, eyes twinkling as he smiled. "But really, you shouldn't be putting me above your aunt and uncle. Everyone does it differently, that's all. Whatever suits them is always the best."

"All right, sir," said Harry, though he looked a bit unconvinced.

Dumbledore then turned to Lucius. "Well, Lucius, I must say that I've never had a more able partner!"

"You flatter me, Albus," replied Lucius. "I can only hope that I'll be able to move so agilely when I've reached your age!"

"Perhaps we'll be able to do this again sometime!" Dumbledore proposed with a grin before testily studying the crowd around them. "Er...though perhaps it would be more fitting to do it in private, as we've seemed to cause a bit of a stir."

"You know that I'd absolutely love to, old boy," Lucius said apologetically, "But I don't think it would go over well with Narcissa." 

Dumbledore sighed heavily. "Ah, well. It's probably all for the best." He glanced at Ron and Hermione, who were now quite getting the hang of it. "At least we've inspired a younger generation to perform these stimulating actions."

"It is a shame that it had to be a Weasley though," Lucius said, his lip curling in a sneer. "I was rather hoping that Draco would be more open-minded, but, well..." He gestured weakly to his son's lifeless body.

Dumbledore nodded, smiling a bit. "Yes, well, I'd best be getting back to Hogwarts. It was a pleasure, Lucius."

"Indeed, Headmaster."

"Oh," Dumbledore said offhandedly, "And Moody? Do capture Voldemort and take him to Azkaban until he can be dealed with further, would you?"

Moody nodded. "Right away, Dumbledore."

Dumbledore turned to Harry, smiling. "And I'll be seeing you at Hogwarts on September first, Harry."

"Yes, sir," Harry said, smiling. "And really, I just can't get over it....Professor Dumbledore, you really are an _amazing_ tap dancer."

THE END

...Well, what were you expecting? Crazed psycho-sex? Honestly, people are _so _terribly sick-minded these days. Honestly. Get your mind out of the gutter.

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Author's Note II: Mwahahaha, aren't we wicked? And to think this was all inspired by a little comment of Rachel's about Lucius Malfoy tap-dancing around in her head... :-)


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